Weekend Wrap Up

So whomever told me that working out in the morning would give me more energy throughout the day is a liar. A LIAR I tell you. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life. I feel like someones drugged me up with Benadryl. Sigh. Yes I do sigh this much in real life. Ask my husband.

Friday: My husband worked ALL day. Meaning he left before I woke up and came home around 10 at night. Oh and that morning he was suppose to go to my sons school for his Kindergarten party. But his job got in the way and at the last minute I found someone to watch my daughter and I somehow barely made it to the party. My son is probably the most adorable kid in the world. They sang songs and showed us their classroom. I am so proud of him and everything he’s done this past year in school. Well to say I wasn’t stressed out was an understatement. Between his school thing and being a single parent ALL DAY I was exhausted. Oh and of course it was a nap free day, just to make my day harder. So mommy didn’t have “me” time until right before my husband got home.

He's freakin' adorable

He’s freakin’ adorable

Saturday: I usually work Sunday’s so we do a big breakfast on Saturday’s before my daughter goes to ballet. Well I finally looked at how many calories are in “Saturday Morning Breakfast”, and holy cow. I didn’t eat what they were eating. But easily they ate 700 calories. Just. For. Breakfast. I ended up eating half a piece of bacon and yogurt. My husband is no longer allowed to helping on breakfast day because he makes the bacon BARELY cooked. Like it was limp and soft and no crunch what so ever. I thought the bacon was still raw in my mouth. Completely disgusting. I mean thanks man for helping, but it was inedible.

We ended up getting the kids 1 special summer outfit each. My son got his outfit from Target and got himself a “big boy watch”. Since he’s started wearing it I’ve been told what the time was ALL THE TIME. At first it was cute and I swelled up with motherly pride. But after finding out it was 12:31, 12:32, 12:33, 12:34, 12:35, 12:36. This went on for ten minutes once an hour. I had it. My daughter ended up with her first outfit from the Gap. We are no longer shopping at The Children’s Place because of this. Until TCP starts using factories that are safe for it’s workers we are no longer shopping there. I don’t need to save 10 dollars on a pair of jeans and a t shirt if 600 people are going to die because of it. You can read more of what retailers are doing and who was apart of it here. Gap has already pledged to increase safety in their garment factories. Until TCP does, we are done-zoes.

They look so innocent and sweet.

I treated my hubby right and bought him 2 pair of shorts, 3 shirts, and a new wallet. Yeah we did summer shopping for him. I’m waiting until we leave for Texas to go shopping for me so that all my clothes will fit me right.

Sunday: I had work Bleeeehhh. I ended up working with the biggest dumbest guy of all time. We watch children. We make sure they live. That’s it. Well this kid would NOT get off his phone at all. To the point that I was annoyed and almost said something. He didn’t do anything and then took the entire tip. He wasn’t even interesting to talk to. I mean working with someone and talking makes it go faster, but he was too interested in his cell phone to do anything.

THEN MY CAMERA WAS FALLING OUT OF MY PHONE. So my phones been shattered since Christmas. No big deal right? Wrong. My camera was falling out. So I finally gave into my husband and got the glass replaced. Oh and I got custom colors. My husband even did one step better and bought be a pair of TOMS. I mean I’ve literally been talking about TOMS since last June and finally I bought a new pair. I mean I could have bought them before but I kept putting it off. Happy Early Mother’s Day to me!

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Because I need a drinking hat in Texas!

We also went to go see Iron Man 3. It was good. Kind of boring. I felt like this one was more of a “whoa is me” type of deal and not really the Iron Man we are use to seeing. The graphics are awesome. The fights scenes are awesome. It will keep you glued to your seat. But I just didn’t like the story line. But my husband did say that ending was accurate. So who knows. Maybe I’m just anti-comic book.

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Yeah he’s Iron Patriot. You jealous?

Now that I’m done rambling about my weekend, how was yours? Did you go out and see Iron Man? How did you like it?

IVF & Fancy Restaurants

Monday was a bit difficult for me honestly. We started our morning fighting. I just couldn’t help it. I was in a bad mood from the day before and I just couldn’t shake it off. It’s all just excuses. I wanted to feel like I won the fight, but all I felt was bitter. I even yelled at him “I’m glad my body keeps rejecting your babies”. I was so mean. I can’t believe he didn’t just lock me in my room.

At lunch time I found out my husband had booked us reservations for dinner. I was so mean to him because I thought he forgot about date night, and it turns out he pulled something out. I am really proud of him about date night. Oh lunch time I had corn tortillas, half a chicken breast chopped up, and hot sauce. I have been craving tacos forever now and these just hit the spot. I want to have some cheese with it, but I held back.

We then went to the RE (fertility doctor) to go talk to them about clomid. Well that dream was shot out the window. Our insurance won’t cover clomid or IUI at all. BUT they do cover 1 fresh IVF and 1 frozen. SO in a perfect world, I have 2 months of IVF. Okay for all you fertile people out there. I went in there for a inhaler for asthma and walked out with a sleep apnea machine. I knew everything they were talking about but I was overwhelmed with it all happening now. I thought IVF was years down the road for us, not within months. Then the bigger bombshell was dropped. I could start next week and be pregnant by the end of June.

The process of IVF is this: Blood work, birth control, medicine to make me produce A LOT of eggs, shots, a lot of doctors appointments, them stealing my eggs and shooting them up with sperm, and dropping them back in me.

A bit overwhelming when you go in for 1 prescription. But yeah. Now I’m here and Tuesday I will be going in for blood work to get everything started. This doesn’t affect my weight loss. I am going to up my calories to 1800 calories a day and when I do get pregnant, I will consult my gyno about how many calories a day I should be eating. I won’t be eating 4000 calories a day while pregnant. I understand that going into this that I don’t have to eat for two. I know that I only need to eat 300-400 more calories a day.

I started crying in the car. I just found out I had PCOS, that I was going to get IVF, I was so upset because I thought I would be playing God with IVF, and that I will finally be pregnant. All those feelings hit me at once and man I was a mess in the car.

My husband didn’t return to work and spent the day at the house with the kids and I. I was even able to fit in a shower before our big date.

So yeah our date. It was at one of the best restaurant rated on YELP near us. I wanted to go grab some BBQ and drown sorrows in some sweet tea. I looked at the prices of this place before this, but I didn’t want to ruin the night. So I just went with it.

Then we found out this place was in a shopping center behind a gas station. Then we found out we were the only ones in there. Yeah I was REALLY SKEPTICAL at this point.

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But then the service was amazing and not just our server, but the cook. My husband is highly allergic to green beans and let them know and the chef said something sarcastically like “Look I just make the food, I can’t be in charge of him living”. It was a fun little place that I think on the weekend is packed. When we were leaving a family was coming in. We ordered duck empanadas, french onion soup, LA burger, and NY strip, with 2 glasses of wine. We spent about a hundred bucks. Not too bad actually. It was fun and something we don’t do usually. I mean when you go to dinner and a movie you spend about that much. I rather just spend it on good food.

Oh and how do you think I did on calories today? I was under by 6. This is just an estimate because their nutritional facts weren’t available. So I was probably over, but not by much. Maybe a couple hundred.

I’m so hungry.

I feel like this is what I’ve been going through everyday since the day that I decided for the lifestyle change. Sometimes it’s a “oh my god I’m starving feeling”, but usually I’m just craving and wanting crap food. I want nothing more than to go into Panera and order all of their bagels with extra cream cheese. Or I want to get pretzels with sweet mustard and eat them all. Or I want angel food cake with extra strawberry syrup.

I can keep going. I can keep talking and dreaming about food. It’s my addiction. Some people dream of heroine, weed, even where their next drink will come from. I dream of food. I love to eat it, I love to cook it, I love feeding other people. So of course I have these huge moments of despair. Thinking that at any moment I will slip up and start eating and never stop.

But the hardest part I’ve been having is my husband. Don’t you think that my husband would be my number one supporter? Well he’s not. Maybe in theory he is, but not in reality. Last night we had a mishap and I had to work late so I could not make dinner, so I had to go out to eat. I did really great actually. I went to Chipotle got a burrito bowl. Brown rice, barbacoa, hot salsa, and corn salsa all for 410 calories. I should have added the cheese but at the time I knew it was 100 calories and I didn’t know where I sat yet on calories for the day. Well on my way out of the mall, after I had passed all the pretzel stands, all the ice cream stands, and my arch-nemesis taco bell, my husband texts me and wants some desert. You know how hard it is to have a cinnabon cinnamon roll sitting right next to me and not reach over and grab it and stick my face in it and devour it? Well it’s fucking hard as shit.

I know he was just hungry. I know not to blame him. I know that he loves me. But just like I said hundreds of times that I want to loose weight, every time he’s told me that he will support me. He doesn’t know how to be supportive because I have never actually kept myself to my word.

I know self control. I was anorexic/bulimic for like 2 years. I can have self control. But there is this fine line between self control and self restricting myself calories. I’m always walking this line. “Am I not eating this because I’m about to relapse or am I not eating this because I don’t need it”. An anorexic will always say ‘because I don’t need it’. But I do need calories. I don’t need calories from cinnamon rolls. I do need calories from meat, cheese, fruit, and vegetables.

This isn’t really a post about anything, but my struggle every single day. I’m not a normal person loosing weight. I’m torn between being fat, getting fit, or relapsing into a sickness. When I listen to the voice inside my head I end up eating only  900 calories for my day. The little voice tells me that 900 calories is bad, that I can survive on less. I’m weak because I need food. That I’m less of a person because I ate that entire bowl of Chipotle. That my husband must think I’m a pig because of the way I eat. Isn’t that messed up? Yea it really is. I don’t know how to make that voice shut up. I only know how to cover those feelings with food. But now I’m trying to balance those out. I’m trying to figure out the balance of eating food and not starving my body.

Sigh. I’m glad no one reads this blog because if they did I would be really embarrassed of telling the truth.

Cool Presents I Buy My Husband

If anyone knows me they know I don’t like spending money. If anyone knows my husband they know he likes to spend it. It makes us argue A LOT. I mean enough for us to try and seek counseling. We haven’t just yet, but that’s because they keep moving us and cancelling things we do set up. ANYWAYS…

I buy my husband things ALL the time to show him how much I love him. Well more like appreciate him. He spends so much time working and listening to me complain about why we don’t have money. So about once a month I splurge on my husband. So here’s the top 5 things I do for him.

5. Spaghetti Monday

This boy LOVES his spaghetti. It’s a household staple in the house. Here’s the big reveal y’all: I hate spaghetti. Before I met my husband I may have had it a handful of times. Now I eat it 4-5 times a month. You can read how I make dollar can spaghetti sauce taste like restaurant quality here.

4. House slippers

My husband is a old man. For reals though. I have bought him now 3 pairs of “old man slippers” to make his feet more comfortable on the hardwood.

http://www.amazon.com/Isotoner-Microterry-Slipper-Large-Black/dp/B004LBNXYE/ref=sr_1_2?s=shoes&ie=UTF8&qid=1366423338&sr=1-2&keywords=isotoner+slippers

Are the best most comfortable slippers and they last about 4 months. We have a dog that sheds like crazy so they probably take more abuse than most people would give them. I personally don’t understand why flip flops don’t work, but hey I want to make my husband happy.

3. Johnie Walker 1.75 liters

For Christmas I splurged a lot on my husband, which we don’t usually do because it’s about the kids and not us, but I saw this at Costco and just HAD to buy it. I used “Christmas” as my excuse, but I would have bought it for him whether it was the holiday or not.

2. Framing his Bronze Star

This is still a sore subject for me. He pushed for this when we didn’t have any money because the Army shorted our paychecks for 2 months, though we did recieve back pay, and we had to borrow money from family to pay for some groceries. We didn’t realize how tough the month was going to be until the last week.

Back to the subject… Most people don’t realize this, and I don’t tell them, but my husband is a bonafide hero. When he was deployed he received the bronze star for his service to his country. I don’t talk about what happened in detail because I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t know about some of it, but during some therapy he’s been told to share more with me, and he has. Nothing that puts the country at risk or anything, just personal things to him that I shouldn’t share to the world.

So I got this frame. REALLY nicely framed. And now it’s sitting on the floor in his office because our walls are funny and we don’t want to deal with trying to figure out how to nail through concrete type walls.

1. The Weber Grill

This is probably the best gift I have EVER gotten my husband. Well until I give him a child of our own. Until then ‘Weber’ is our child. ha.

My husband just found out that he passed his final class and is graduating college, he is an amazing father, and hopefully a grill will inspire him to mow the yard. Ha!

I’ll post pictures soon. I hope y’all have a great weekend.

How I Afford To Clothe My Kids

Raising children is expensive. I mean really really expensive.

Their clothes are expensive and they need new clothes every 3-6 months. On a one income salary, how do we afford it? Very very carefully. My kids also wear name brand clothes. Seventy-five percent of what they own come from Gymboree, The Children’s Place, or Justice. Fifteen percent come from Target and the last ten percent come from WalMart/Base/Donations/Costco.

So how do we do it?

1. We rarely buy them shirts.

When our children need shirts, we always tell their grandparents. I know some people can’t afford this luxury, but thankfully we can. Shirts are small enough to load up into shipping boxes and cheap enough that family members will buy multiples. If you’re really thrift you could buy 4 shirts for about 20 bucks at Target. We usually only buy them shirts if I find an AWESOME deal. For example, The Children’s Place is currently having 20% off of EVERYTHING sell, so you can go into their clearance tab and purchase their 5 dollar shirt for 4 dollars. Honestly I love love love The Children’s Place. Their shirts are awesome. Sometimes in Target shirt my children get little holes in the bottom of them, but The Children’s Place shirts hold up to a lot of abuse.

They have enough shirts to fill up two closets. When their closets get full with clothes they can fit, I start asking for a size larger. There’s nothing wrong with asking for clothes for your child’s future. My in-laws and parents offer to buy them clothes, and I don’t know how many times we will have for them to help us out. Money is tight for everyone and I like to plan. If I didn’t tell them clothes, they would start buying my children toys, and they REALLY don’t need anymore toys.

2. Buy QUALITY jeans on sale

So buying clothes on sale seem like a no brainer, but I don’t mean a “10% off” sale. I mean 40% or more sale. I just purchased 3 pairs of jeans for my son worth 59.85 for only 31.50, that’s a savings of 48%. I purchased my daughter 2 pairs of jeans with a savings of 57%. The jeans were on clearance, plus I used a 30% coupon from The Children’s Place. I told you. I am obsessed with them.

I recently bought my son a pair of shorts from Gymboree for 6.39! I mean what a steal. You might have to start buying shorts while it’s snowing outside, and you might have two suitcases in a closet filled with clothes for the next season, but you have those clothes when the time comes.

3. Always accept donations

You never know what types of clothes you’ll get from people. Yes, some of it might be really bad, some of it might be really old or ugly, but that bit of clothes that are great, it’s money saved. If there is someone that is willing to give me clothes, I accept them. I may not like everything, but they are generous enough to give me free clothes.

Currently my daughter has 11 pairs of shorts and 13 skirts that have been given to us gently used from family and friends. Actually more has been given to us, but I have the larger skirts sitting in a suitcase in a closet for next year, and the ones that are too short were given to another family in need.

I always pass on my children’s clothes to someone else, as long as I know they pass the clothes along to someone else if they can’t use them. My sister-in-law told me that I could give her my son’s old clothes and whatever she didn’t like she would take and sell them. I was really hurt and I’m still mad at her for that. I do not give clothes to other people to make a profit, I do it so someone somewhere are able to benefit from them.

I have one suitcase of clothes for the winter for my kids and I’m currently growing their wardrobe for the school year which starts in 6 months. My son have 4 jeans for next school year and my daughter has 2 pairs. They both have multiple shirts for the school year. And I’m going to keep asking for more shirts from our family members in sizes Small and Medium. My kids will eventually grow into them, and our wallets won’t be hurting because of it.

So total of clothes my son has:

7 pairs of jeans for current school year

4 pairs of jeans for next school year

6 pairs of “real” shorts

5 pairs of basketball shorts

2 pairs of sweatpants

A LOT of Jackets

TOO MANY SHIRTS to count

PLUS more in storage

Total clothes my daughter has:

4 pairs of jeans for this school year

2 pairs of jeans for next school year

2 pairs of leggings

3 pairs of sweatpants

12 pairs of shorts

13 skirts

4 dresses

A TON OF SHIRTS

A TON OF STORAGE CLOTHES

Shoes:

1 pair of snow boots for my son this year that will go to my daughter next year

1 pair of snow boots for my son next year

2 pairs of rain boots

4 pairs of converse

1 pair of sparkly flats

1 pair of black plain flats

1 pair of cheetah flats

1 pair of Timberland knock off boots

1 pair of Sperry Boots

1 pair of Target boots

2 pairs of stompeez

1 pair of slippers

1 pair of knock off Vans

1 pair of knock off Uggs

And let’s not go into pajamas. Their pajamas are so filled that they line up on TOP of their dresser.

My kids may not get everything they want, but they dress pretty darn good. Well they would dress really snazzy if I got to pick out their outfits, but they don’t let me. Too independent.

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Weekend Expeditions

Weekends are usually boring for us. Saturday’s are consistant of breakfast, cartoons, ballet, lunch, naps, kids playing in their rooms. Sunday’s now of days start with me at work, then home for lunch, nap then homework for the hubster and cuddles for the kids and I. But that all changed this past weekend.

Wednesday I woke up with the bug that’s going around. I was dying. So I got Wednesday and Thursday covered and asked my boss to give me off until Monday since he was making schedules. I do have to say about my job, they really do try and take care of me.

Saturday we woke up and the roommate was no where to be found. He spent the night at a hotel. Alone. I don’t know. He’s a weird one. I wanted to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese because honestly people my kids haven’t been there since July 2012. Yeah They have gone 7 months without the Chuck. People who go every month, heck people who go every week. Your children will be fine without the place. Take them outside, let them learn how to ride a scooter, ride a bike, or just paint with them. Those things they will remember more than playing video games at that place.

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They hold each others hands while crossing the street. Aren’t they adorable? We got so involved in Chuckie that we forgot to get Princess to ballet. So we decided to go to the military base down the street. Well it’s more like an hour away, so it’s down a really LONG street.

I really like going to the base because I feel like I get to be around those that understand what we’ve gone through. Trust me, there are couples that have survived a lot more that the military throws at them, but wives of civilians just don’t get some things. We ended up going to the Chinese food place inside the food court, of course I don’t listen to the warnings of my husband and I got SICK from their food. It was the most disgusting food I’ve ever eaten. So yeah, listen to your husbands women of the world.

We ended up purchasing some candy that you can only get on base or in California. Actually we can purchase it in NYC but I don’t see a need to drive over state borders to go buy some.

By the way if anyone loves me enough. This is my favorite

http://www.sees.com/prod.cfm/Best_Sellers/Assorted_Chocolates

But the biggest surprise of the day was when we bought:

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That’s right ladies and gentlemen. I am the owner of a iMac!

This thing is incredible. I love blogging so much more on it now. I can actually see stuff on it instead of the laptop. I mean it’s great to have a laptop, the husband and I each have our own, but there’s something to it to sit down at your desk and write something instead of laying on the couch. The screen is amazing. It’s so sharp and bright. No more squinting to see what I’m writing. Now I’m not spoiled by any means. On base they were selling it for about 1300 bucks. We had to return my Michael Kors purse that I got for Christmas because it broke so that was 250 dollars of Christmas money I had. I had saved up 350 dollars from February and the guy living with us paid us that. I had my paycheck of 306 dollars. And I had 250 dollars of my tax return still in the bank. So we really only put 150 on a credit card. Which my next paycheck from work on the 15th will pay off.  In reality I am paying for over 1,000 dollar of it. So I am not spoiled. I just saved up and didn’t purchase something inferior.

There were laptops there for about 320 bucks that I could have blogged on and let my kids play on it. I wouldn’t have had to finance anything and used the other money for other items, but Apple’s last for a really long time. A friend of mine purchased her laptop freshman year of college and almost 6 years later she is using the same laptop to write for a local newspaper. While my husband in the last 3 years has gone through 4 laptops. Investing your money in something you know you’ll need is not a waste.

We did the same thing for our washer and dryer two years ago. They in total cost us about 2 grand, but they still work perfectly and we’ve NEVER had an issue with them.

Today we decided to have a lazy day and do laundry, we even hit up CiCi’s, or as the boys called it their “lat meal before the PT test”.

Next weekends my couches will be dropped off and I will put up photos on how my house is becoming a home.

I hope everyone has an amazing week!

Super Bug, Bronchitis, and Coffee… and Ranting. Mostly Ranting.

We are now on day 9 of being sick with Bronchitis and I just got the super bug that is sweeping the nation. You know that bug that purges everything from your stomach. I went to bed last night before 10 p.m. I know that is crazy. I usually go to sleep around 1 or 2 in the morning.

Oh goodness, I have someone moving in with us tomorrow. If my husband can’t put together this dresser while I’m at work today, I’m just going to return it. There’s no way I can do this on my own. He hasn’t helped prepare the house at all for this guy moving in tomorrow.  Last night while I was at work he didn’t do the dishes, pick up his stuff out of the living room, put up any of the clothes that I washed and folded. No all he did was play video games. I don’t know. I’m tired of lying. He sucks at helping his family. He is great for bringing home a paycheck though. And any time I bring it up he’s just like “I work hard and I’m too tired when I get home”. So I’m pretty much stuck doing it all on my own. I cook, clean, be sick, and work my job.  Whatever. This is life, my life. Only 13 more years.

I would like to admit that I have an addiction. To caffeine. Specifically s’mores coffee creamer. It’s a seasonal flavor, so when it went on sale for .69 a bottle, I bought 10 of them. I wish I was joking. I’m not. I have some of them in my freezer so I can save them throughout the year. I know that caffeine isn’t good to have while trying to conceive, but I’m doing everything else and caffeine is the only thing keeping me going.

I’ve raised two kids for 20 months on caffeine, I can’t give it up.

Oh yeah about that whole “trying to conceive” thing. I am fucking done with people telling me “just let it happen when it happens” and “don’t think about it and it’ll happen”. All those lines are such bullshit. Two years of sex unprotected and no baby. I’m exhausted with hope.