My 5K Inspiration

I’ve fallen off the wagon. I mean the wagon has left me on the side of the road, and is miles down the road. But reality comes at the most inopportune times. Am I right?

 

Well Sunday I had a 5K that I had trained for 3 times in the last month for. See where this is going? I wasn’t going to flake out though. I mean I won the entrance to the race, so I wasn’t going to loose out on any money. But I couldn’t give up on myself. I woke up Saturday and realized that these last 10 days that’s just what I had done. Given up on myself and my dreams of being healthy. Heck. Right now while I’m writing this I know that I’ve eaten chips and a hot dog for lunch. Not exactly living the healthy life if you know what I mean. But this Sunday I did something I didn’t think I could do. I finished my “Color Me Rad” race in less than 47 minutes. I don’t know the exact time because we didn’t exactly run it completely. I mean we ran more.

I ran with a lot of people from my work, plus their friends. We ran BACK AROUND for those who couldn’t keep up, we waited for those who needed extra time, and we did it as a group. I was one of those people they had to wait on. But they cheered me on during the race. I didn’t feel like anyone was slowing anyone else down. For once I felt apart of the group. That and my son was running with me. He was running LAPS around people. I mean that kid would have ran the whole thing if I had let him.

While talking to him during the race, I asked him if he felt fine. He stated that his ribs hurt but that didn’t matter because he wanted to run.

ATTENTION PEOPLE:

My six year old just gave us the biggest secret to running. “Run through it cause you want to”. I don’t know why you want to run. You want to be healthy. You want to train for a 5K. You want to look good in that swimsuit this year. But “Run through it cause you want to”. A six year old put his mind over his body and was a BEAST. You can be that beast too. Just when you want to stop, run through.

And here are some phone dumps.

His shirt read "6 Years Old, 2nd 5K"

His shirt read “6 Years Old, 2nd 5K”

After we ran. It was a BIT messy

After we ran. It was a BIT messy

My daughter stood in the rain and held the sign for me  the entire time

My daughter stood in the rain and held the sign for me the entire time

"Jersey Strong" with our colored boogies

“Jersey Strong” with our colored boogies

We ran with these girls and the people in the blue shirts. But we didn't all fit

We ran with these girls and the people in the blue shirts. But we didn’t all fit

Apparently, the run turned my hair into Dolly Parton

Apparently, the run turned my hair into Dolly Parton

Before and After

Before and After

 

 

I hope that tonight I’ll do better eating. I hope that tomorrow I will do better than today and etc. I can’t be mad at myself for ever. I need to forgive my eating mistakes, stop trying to say “it’s okay to binge during period week” and just move on.

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My worst supporter in weight loss

I have started to realize my husband will be THE WORST supporter in my weight loss. Not that he wants me to fail, but he just is horrible at being supportive.

I am really obsessive about logging all the food I eat and making sure I keep within the allowed calories, and if I do go over (which yes has happened but not more than 150) by how much. I love seeing something physical on my phone that says how much I have eaten and what eating this many calories will do for my ultimate weight loss goal. It’s inspiring to be to see how well I’ve been doing. It’s also inspiring to me to see even though I failed at Wednesday, that I have and can do better.

Side note: That piece of glass in my foot has gotten worse and worse so trying to run on it is miserable.

My husband after finding out that I lost 5.8 pounds in one week commented that he wanted to eat more like me. That was the best compliment that he could have ever given me. I mean I felt so much pride in my actions that with just 2 weeks of changing my habits he stated that I inspired him. It made me want to do better than what I already do.

Not even 3 days later he told me that I “obsess” over my calories and I should just “eat until I’m hungry”. I almost attacked his face. I have hunger pains at time. I was hangry. How dare he! Who does he think he is? I cannot just eat until I’m full because I’ve done that. Guess what? It made me fat. Who cares about calories? I do.

I have been making healthier choices in my eating habits even just after two weeks. I can tell when I’m full and not just eating to eat. I’ve eaten been craving healthier foods.

The thing that boggles my mind is that my husband isn’t even effected by my lifestyle change. No one is. I buy corn tortillas for me for taco nights and flour for them. I just “skinny” dishes that are casseroles. Or I’ve switched beef to turkey. He even stated that he didn’t even realize it until I told him. I still buy their “fat” food. Like S’mores and ice cream cake.

So why can’t he just let me count my calories? Why can’t he just keep his mouth shut about his negative opinions? Why does he state things like “I don’t think you need to loose a pound” when I just entered the twenties in my pant sizes?

Sidenote: being honest about my pants size is really hard.

Does anyone else experience this kind of difficulty with their spouses? It hurts my feelings that he says and acts the way he does. I support him every time he chooses to lose weight. I throw out the junk food. I cook ALL healthy food. But when it comes to me losing weight, he’s just a A-hole about it.

 

Weigh In Wednesday.

So I weigh in every Tuesday, so this “weigh in Wednesday” works for me. Cause everyone knows that I post everything late.

weighinwednesday

So from last week I posted dates I was going to weigh in, and apparently I don’t know how to count. I need as many weeks as I can get because I’m loosing the weight of a small child by June 25. Ten weeks to lose 30 pounds. Not hard right?

Goal by June 25: -30

Ultimate Goal by the time I die (lol): -130

4/23: -2

4/30: -5.8

Total: -7.8

I am 6 percent to my ultimate goal!

This week I finally took my weight loss more serious. Week 1 I kinda ate well for 3 days and then the last 4 I blew my diet. When I stepped on the scale and saw it barely move, I knew that I was doing it wrong. So this past week I watched what I ate and took my dedication more seriously. Calories DO count on the weekend. If I blow one meal doesn’t mean I need to blow the whole day.

So my goals that I discussed on Monday were start the C25k again. Which I’ll be heading to the gym after I drop my son off at school. I am going to track EVERYTHING. Honestly I’m doing it so far, but because I’m cooking a lot of homemade food and going to small local restaurants, everything is just a prediction. The one goal I’m failing at is 2 snacks per day. I usually get 1 snack in a day, but that second one is so hard because I feel like I’m stuffing my face at 10 o’clock so that I can reach my goal.

I guess I need to get off the computer and start cooking for my children. Darn children wanting to eat 3 meals a day. So needy.

I’m so hungry.

I feel like this is what I’ve been going through everyday since the day that I decided for the lifestyle change. Sometimes it’s a “oh my god I’m starving feeling”, but usually I’m just craving and wanting crap food. I want nothing more than to go into Panera and order all of their bagels with extra cream cheese. Or I want to get pretzels with sweet mustard and eat them all. Or I want angel food cake with extra strawberry syrup.

I can keep going. I can keep talking and dreaming about food. It’s my addiction. Some people dream of heroine, weed, even where their next drink will come from. I dream of food. I love to eat it, I love to cook it, I love feeding other people. So of course I have these huge moments of despair. Thinking that at any moment I will slip up and start eating and never stop.

But the hardest part I’ve been having is my husband. Don’t you think that my husband would be my number one supporter? Well he’s not. Maybe in theory he is, but not in reality. Last night we had a mishap and I had to work late so I could not make dinner, so I had to go out to eat. I did really great actually. I went to Chipotle got a burrito bowl. Brown rice, barbacoa, hot salsa, and corn salsa all for 410 calories. I should have added the cheese but at the time I knew it was 100 calories and I didn’t know where I sat yet on calories for the day. Well on my way out of the mall, after I had passed all the pretzel stands, all the ice cream stands, and my arch-nemesis taco bell, my husband texts me and wants some desert. You know how hard it is to have a cinnabon cinnamon roll sitting right next to me and not reach over and grab it and stick my face in it and devour it? Well it’s fucking hard as shit.

I know he was just hungry. I know not to blame him. I know that he loves me. But just like I said hundreds of times that I want to loose weight, every time he’s told me that he will support me. He doesn’t know how to be supportive because I have never actually kept myself to my word.

I know self control. I was anorexic/bulimic for like 2 years. I can have self control. But there is this fine line between self control and self restricting myself calories. I’m always walking this line. “Am I not eating this because I’m about to relapse or am I not eating this because I don’t need it”. An anorexic will always say ‘because I don’t need it’. But I do need calories. I don’t need calories from cinnamon rolls. I do need calories from meat, cheese, fruit, and vegetables.

This isn’t really a post about anything, but my struggle every single day. I’m not a normal person loosing weight. I’m torn between being fat, getting fit, or relapsing into a sickness. When I listen to the voice inside my head I end up eating only  900 calories for my day. The little voice tells me that 900 calories is bad, that I can survive on less. I’m weak because I need food. That I’m less of a person because I ate that entire bowl of Chipotle. That my husband must think I’m a pig because of the way I eat. Isn’t that messed up? Yea it really is. I don’t know how to make that voice shut up. I only know how to cover those feelings with food. But now I’m trying to balance those out. I’m trying to figure out the balance of eating food and not starving my body.

Sigh. I’m glad no one reads this blog because if they did I would be really embarrassed of telling the truth.

First Weigh In

So I’m loosing weight. As you may know, but I mean I have like 2 people who regularly come to my blog and they usually come to look at my spaghetti recipe. By the way. It’s really good.

So my ultimate goal is 100 pounds. That’s a HUGE number. It’s actually pretty daunting for me. So I’ve chosen to break it down into mini goals. By June 26th I want to be down 30 pounds.

4/16 – 4/23: -2

4/24 – 5/1:

5/2 – 5/9:

5/10 – 5/17:

5/18 – 5/25:

5/26 – 6/2:

6/3 – 6/10:

6/11 – 6/18:

6/19 – 6/26:

 

That’s about 3.3 pounds a week. My first week I didn’t do that good. Between BBQing all weekend, drinking on Saturday, and going out to the Amish country on Sunday. So this week I’m buckling down and doing better. I also have my first 5k on May 19th so I’m really going to need to get my butt into shape for the 5k.

So here’s my goal to shrink a whole person.

Loosing Weight, Again.

So I have been trying to loose weight since last August. It’s easier said then done.

When we moved to Jersey, I gained 15 pounds because of the movie. It’s a bad excuse, but it was mine. We were on the road, living out of hotels and family’s houses, so eating healthy wasn’t on the top of my “to do” list. But I lost it all by the beginning of October. With running and eating healthy I was starting to loose some more weight.

Then Hurricane Sandy hit, then it was my sons birthday, then family visited, then it was Thanksgiving, then it was Christmas, then it was New Years, then my son broke his collar bone, then it was my daughters birthday, then it was Valentine’s Day, then it was Spring Break, then it was Easter, then I stepped on the scale.

I was horrified. Or I am horrified. Those 15 pounds I had worked so hard to get off, came back. Of course they came back. I was eating a TON of fast food, not working out, and indulging late at night in all of my wants/desires.

So April 16 I started a change. I now more than ever want it and I know I can do it. I know that I will have set backs. I know I will have big losses and big wins. I started the C25K, I started counting my calories on “My Fitness Pal”, but I have not thrown out the junk food in the house. I need to learn to loose the weight without having to throw away perfectly good food. Just because I can’t eat Girl Scout Cookies doesn’t mean my husband can’t. Obviously I won’t be replenishing the junk food the next time I go shopping, but I will not throw things away because I don’t trust myself.

I do trust myself. I know I can do it. I want this for me. I want this so I can have a child. I want this so bad that I don’t have to throw the junk food away. So my first goal is set at 30 pounds. If I do this I’m going to get an extra pair of TOMS without feeling any guilt or worry about “financial responsibility”.

You can be fat and dress cute

I haven’t been working out consistently, but enough that my legs are looking better. I love wearing skinny jeans because I don’t think I have tree trunk legs.

This weekend was my anniversary. First year down about 60 more to go. Well I wanted a new sexy outfit. I have plenty of outfits I could have worn but I haven’t gone shopping for myself since March. I always tell myself “oh when I loose weight I can buy clothes”. Then I end up going 8 months before buying new bras.

I got a new outfit from top to bottom, well not underwear, for 125 dollars.

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Dress, shoes, jacket: Forever 21
Purse and nail polish: Target
Tank top: Torrid

I looked so good and I felt confident. Not to get too personal, but my husband couldn’t wait to get home.

Being a bigger girl doesn’t make you ugly or sloppy. It’s time to dress out size and be proud of it. Don’t hide under layers.

So I’ll be doing Milf Mondays from now on. Today’s outfit:

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Jacket: Forever 21
Jeans: Old Navy
Shoes: Steve Madden
Tank Top: Torrid
Watch: the husband collection ha

I will be loosing weight and I will have to buy new smaller clothes along my journey but investing 25 dollars in a jacket and 30 dollars in old navy jeans will give me the confidence to show off this body.

Women of any size should be proud of their looks. Join me in MILF Mondays and if you’re not a mom, you can still join.