My worst supporter in weight loss

I have started to realize my husband will be THE WORST supporter in my weight loss. Not that he wants me to fail, but he just is horrible at being supportive.

I am really obsessive about logging all the food I eat and making sure I keep within the allowed calories, and if I do go over (which yes has happened but not more than 150) by how much. I love seeing something physical on my phone that says how much I have eaten and what eating this many calories will do for my ultimate weight loss goal. It’s inspiring to be to see how well I’ve been doing. It’s also inspiring to me to see even though I failed at Wednesday, that I have and can do better.

Side note: That piece of glass in my foot has gotten worse and worse so trying to run on it is miserable.

My husband after finding out that I lost 5.8 pounds in one week commented that he wanted to eat more like me. That was the best compliment that he could have ever given me. I mean I felt so much pride in my actions that with just 2 weeks of changing my habits he stated that I inspired him. It made me want to do better than what I already do.

Not even 3 days later he told me that I “obsess” over my calories and I should just “eat until I’m hungry”. I almost attacked his face. I have hunger pains at time. I was hangry. How dare he! Who does he think he is? I cannot just eat until I’m full because I’ve done that. Guess what? It made me fat. Who cares about calories? I do.

I have been making healthier choices in my eating habits even just after two weeks. I can tell when I’m full and not just eating to eat. I’ve eaten been craving healthier foods.

The thing that boggles my mind is that my husband isn’t even effected by my lifestyle change. No one is. I buy corn tortillas for me for taco nights and flour for them. I just “skinny” dishes that are casseroles. Or I’ve switched beef to turkey. He even stated that he didn’t even realize it until I told him. I still buy their “fat” food. Like S’mores and ice cream cake.

So why can’t he just let me count my calories? Why can’t he just keep his mouth shut about his negative opinions? Why does he state things like “I don’t think you need to loose a pound” when I just entered the twenties in my pant sizes?

Sidenote: being honest about my pants size is really hard.

Does anyone else experience this kind of difficulty with their spouses? It hurts my feelings that he says and acts the way he does. I support him every time he chooses to lose weight. I throw out the junk food. I cook ALL healthy food. But when it comes to me losing weight, he’s just a A-hole about it.

 

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Phone dump Friday

I know most people do “wordless Wednesday” but sorry I’m not cool enough for that. I am really lazy and just want to write pretty much nothing except about how awesome my life is. Cause it is.

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What I’m learning with IVF is that there is going to be a LOT of calls to my insurance company to see what they will cover, what Helping Heroes ( the program that pays for 80% of this), and what will come out of our pocket.

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Cause we keep it classy here in Jersey. Bacon, beer, and chocolate milk. Anyone who has ever been to my house knows that my kitchen is SMALL. There’s no drawers for my silverware to go into so it sits on the counter. I actually have to get a table to go into my kitchen to have counter space. It’s bad.

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This is my beautiful momma and big brother back in the early 80’s. Everyone says we look alike. I can totally see it. She is my hero.

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Big man is finally getting his top tooth in. Excuse his messy face. This was after dinner. I was so proud that I had to take a photo of it. He’ll look like a real boy with all his teeth soon!

And that’s it. Running around, being a mom, trying to eat healthy, and figuring out a way to not loose my mind is my goal in life. Have a great weekend!

How to grocery shop with small children

I’ve discussed this before here.

On the first of the month (or second) I always go on a BIG grocery shopping list. Usually my basket is overflowing with stuff and that’s because I only go grocery shopping once a month. Well that’s a lie. I do 1 big trip a month and then 1 or 2 little trips. Sometimes I do 4 little trips but that’s for fresh fruit and I usually only go when my sons in school and I only have 1 child with me.

Wanna know how I do it?

Plan out a food Calender and have some of those ingredients over lap.

If you like spaghetti, why not do some lasagna with it? You will over lap ingredients and save some money. Also purchasing your food from “scratch” will not only let you save money but will also let you be flexible with your food choices. I purchased HUGE tomato sauce cans that I use for spaghetti sauce AND enchilada sauce. You will have shelves full of spices, the money saving aspect is really noticeable. Plus with my kids I can make it as spicy or tame as I want to make it. I’m not held down by what the store offers.

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As you can see I only plan out lunches for the weekend. Whenever there will be more than 1 adult in the house, I plan a lunch. I am fine and the kids are too with tuna, mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, leftovers, etc. Kids foods are staples in my house. They are both allowed to pick 1 thing a month that they want to try. Last month it was Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets and organic carrot/orange juice.

See how my calender lapses over. A lot of chicken, chili can be used for Frito pies or chili cheese dogs.

After Week 2 I will need to go to the store and buy more tortillas, Doritos, hamburger buns, and steaks for Saturday. Plus whatever fresh fruit we need. That’s it. This month I’ll spend about 300 dollars for my first trip and maybe another 150 for the rest of the month. So 450 dollars for 3 adults and 2 kids, with fresh fruit and healthy meals. Most of those meals up there other than Frito pie and chili dogs, are under 500 calorie dinners. I don’t know how many calories are in the Frito pie.

With the chicken on Thursday, I pair white rice with it.

That’s all I do. I plan, I shop, and I cook. I spend less than 100 dollars per person. I cook healthy meals for my family. And I NEVER worry about if I’m going to run out of food anymore.

Weigh In Wednesday.

So I weigh in every Tuesday, so this “weigh in Wednesday” works for me. Cause everyone knows that I post everything late.

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So from last week I posted dates I was going to weigh in, and apparently I don’t know how to count. I need as many weeks as I can get because I’m loosing the weight of a small child by June 25. Ten weeks to lose 30 pounds. Not hard right?

Goal by June 25: -30

Ultimate Goal by the time I die (lol): -130

4/23: -2

4/30: -5.8

Total: -7.8

I am 6 percent to my ultimate goal!

This week I finally took my weight loss more serious. Week 1 I kinda ate well for 3 days and then the last 4 I blew my diet. When I stepped on the scale and saw it barely move, I knew that I was doing it wrong. So this past week I watched what I ate and took my dedication more seriously. Calories DO count on the weekend. If I blow one meal doesn’t mean I need to blow the whole day.

So my goals that I discussed on Monday were start the C25k again. Which I’ll be heading to the gym after I drop my son off at school. I am going to track EVERYTHING. Honestly I’m doing it so far, but because I’m cooking a lot of homemade food and going to small local restaurants, everything is just a prediction. The one goal I’m failing at is 2 snacks per day. I usually get 1 snack in a day, but that second one is so hard because I feel like I’m stuffing my face at 10 o’clock so that I can reach my goal.

I guess I need to get off the computer and start cooking for my children. Darn children wanting to eat 3 meals a day. So needy.

IVF & Fancy Restaurants

Monday was a bit difficult for me honestly. We started our morning fighting. I just couldn’t help it. I was in a bad mood from the day before and I just couldn’t shake it off. It’s all just excuses. I wanted to feel like I won the fight, but all I felt was bitter. I even yelled at him “I’m glad my body keeps rejecting your babies”. I was so mean. I can’t believe he didn’t just lock me in my room.

At lunch time I found out my husband had booked us reservations for dinner. I was so mean to him because I thought he forgot about date night, and it turns out he pulled something out. I am really proud of him about date night. Oh lunch time I had corn tortillas, half a chicken breast chopped up, and hot sauce. I have been craving tacos forever now and these just hit the spot. I want to have some cheese with it, but I held back.

We then went to the RE (fertility doctor) to go talk to them about clomid. Well that dream was shot out the window. Our insurance won’t cover clomid or IUI at all. BUT they do cover 1 fresh IVF and 1 frozen. SO in a perfect world, I have 2 months of IVF. Okay for all you fertile people out there. I went in there for a inhaler for asthma and walked out with a sleep apnea machine. I knew everything they were talking about but I was overwhelmed with it all happening now. I thought IVF was years down the road for us, not within months. Then the bigger bombshell was dropped. I could start next week and be pregnant by the end of June.

The process of IVF is this: Blood work, birth control, medicine to make me produce A LOT of eggs, shots, a lot of doctors appointments, them stealing my eggs and shooting them up with sperm, and dropping them back in me.

A bit overwhelming when you go in for 1 prescription. But yeah. Now I’m here and Tuesday I will be going in for blood work to get everything started. This doesn’t affect my weight loss. I am going to up my calories to 1800 calories a day and when I do get pregnant, I will consult my gyno about how many calories a day I should be eating. I won’t be eating 4000 calories a day while pregnant. I understand that going into this that I don’t have to eat for two. I know that I only need to eat 300-400 more calories a day.

I started crying in the car. I just found out I had PCOS, that I was going to get IVF, I was so upset because I thought I would be playing God with IVF, and that I will finally be pregnant. All those feelings hit me at once and man I was a mess in the car.

My husband didn’t return to work and spent the day at the house with the kids and I. I was even able to fit in a shower before our big date.

So yeah our date. It was at one of the best restaurant rated on YELP near us. I wanted to go grab some BBQ and drown sorrows in some sweet tea. I looked at the prices of this place before this, but I didn’t want to ruin the night. So I just went with it.

Then we found out this place was in a shopping center behind a gas station. Then we found out we were the only ones in there. Yeah I was REALLY SKEPTICAL at this point.

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But then the service was amazing and not just our server, but the cook. My husband is highly allergic to green beans and let them know and the chef said something sarcastically like “Look I just make the food, I can’t be in charge of him living”. It was a fun little place that I think on the weekend is packed. When we were leaving a family was coming in. We ordered duck empanadas, french onion soup, LA burger, and NY strip, with 2 glasses of wine. We spent about a hundred bucks. Not too bad actually. It was fun and something we don’t do usually. I mean when you go to dinner and a movie you spend about that much. I rather just spend it on good food.

Oh and how do you think I did on calories today? I was under by 6. This is just an estimate because their nutritional facts weren’t available. So I was probably over, but not by much. Maybe a couple hundred.

Weekly Goals Link Up

I thought this would be an appropriate link up since I am working so hard to be healthy.

 

Oh I completely forgot and had to come back in here and add this. You can click on the picture below to join in on the link up party!

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I need something or someone to be accountable to other than my app. I’ve actually done really well since Wednesday tracking all my food. The good. The bad. And the pretzel that I didn’t have enough self control to walk away from. Surprisingly, I have NOT gone over on calories so far. Okay okay. Honestly Saturday night I got a bit drunk and ate chili cheese fries and went over. But only by 100 calories. So not too shabby. In a world where I use to eat 3000 – 4000 calories a day, 1700 calories is not too much.

Three things that are important to me for this week is:

1. Finish week 1 of Couch to 5k

So this is kind of embarrassing. I hurt my ankle because of the old shoes I owned and started the C25k program. So now I bought a new pair of shoes and will be starting it again. I need to get this going because I have my first 5k next month. This is going to be harder than I thought because yesterday I stepped on a piece of glass. But I’ll give it until Tuesday and then I’m restarting the program. I’m gonna be a runner baby.

2. Track ALL of my food this week

This is probably the hardest one for me because once it hits the weekend my husband and the roommate are like “calories don’t count on the weekend” and I’m like “well my stomach says other wise”. So hopefully this weekend I can keep tracking and not let the boys trip me up. I’m so determined to eat right and not mess up so it hurts when other people try to mess that up for me. I know they mean to be kind and let me have a “cheat” day, but I am not healthy enough to have the cheat days that they want me to have.

3. Eat 2 small snacks a day

This is probably the worst goal I am at. I do good but then I forget to eat before I go to work and then I’m end up eating like a piggy for dinner. It’s hard to cook dinner and have self control when all I want to do is stick my face in the pan on the stove and eat it all. I have to track my food while I’m cooking or else I will forget and end up tracking at 11 p.m. when I should be asleep.

These seem like simple enough goals, but for me they are pretty hard. I hope that I can keep my good behavior going for this week. I know that I have months of struggle ahead of me, but I need to just focus on this week. Right now. Confession moment though. I completely and totally relapsed into anorexia girl. Yesterday I only ate 700 calories and went to bed before 8 o’clock because I was so hungry but didn’t want to eat. I know I know it’s not really bad. I’m fat. I can go one day without eating. But for this girl it can turn into really bad. SOOO my goal to myself is to plan my calories for the day so I don’t have any more steps back in my health.

Iphone Dump- because we really haven’t seen enough photos of me on the blog.

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This was my outfit from Thursday. The shirt is from Torrid and I love it. The pants are also from Torrid and I’m in like with them. They are really long at the top so my fat just doesn’t fall out, but I’m sad that I need that extra fat coverage. Sigh. I also went half blonde half red with my hair recently. Not to be all full of myself but it looks good.

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My husband is a bit….hairy. And he is a bit self conscious of it, I mean I don’t care, but he does. He actually tried shaving his chest once and I wouldn’t allow it. I’ve become so use to it. Well I sent this to him because I thought it was HILARIOUS and it’d cheer him up.

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My son just saw me putting this photo up and goes “Mommy that’s me being a fatty”. Hahaha. Oh he was We did s’mores and he completely crushed them. Like I have never seen a kid eat food that fast before. Sigh. Oh and kuddos goes for me cause I didn’t eat any. I helped them create them, but I didn’t even sneak a bite.

I’m so hungry.

I feel like this is what I’ve been going through everyday since the day that I decided for the lifestyle change. Sometimes it’s a “oh my god I’m starving feeling”, but usually I’m just craving and wanting crap food. I want nothing more than to go into Panera and order all of their bagels with extra cream cheese. Or I want to get pretzels with sweet mustard and eat them all. Or I want angel food cake with extra strawberry syrup.

I can keep going. I can keep talking and dreaming about food. It’s my addiction. Some people dream of heroine, weed, even where their next drink will come from. I dream of food. I love to eat it, I love to cook it, I love feeding other people. So of course I have these huge moments of despair. Thinking that at any moment I will slip up and start eating and never stop.

But the hardest part I’ve been having is my husband. Don’t you think that my husband would be my number one supporter? Well he’s not. Maybe in theory he is, but not in reality. Last night we had a mishap and I had to work late so I could not make dinner, so I had to go out to eat. I did really great actually. I went to Chipotle got a burrito bowl. Brown rice, barbacoa, hot salsa, and corn salsa all for 410 calories. I should have added the cheese but at the time I knew it was 100 calories and I didn’t know where I sat yet on calories for the day. Well on my way out of the mall, after I had passed all the pretzel stands, all the ice cream stands, and my arch-nemesis taco bell, my husband texts me and wants some desert. You know how hard it is to have a cinnabon cinnamon roll sitting right next to me and not reach over and grab it and stick my face in it and devour it? Well it’s fucking hard as shit.

I know he was just hungry. I know not to blame him. I know that he loves me. But just like I said hundreds of times that I want to loose weight, every time he’s told me that he will support me. He doesn’t know how to be supportive because I have never actually kept myself to my word.

I know self control. I was anorexic/bulimic for like 2 years. I can have self control. But there is this fine line between self control and self restricting myself calories. I’m always walking this line. “Am I not eating this because I’m about to relapse or am I not eating this because I don’t need it”. An anorexic will always say ‘because I don’t need it’. But I do need calories. I don’t need calories from cinnamon rolls. I do need calories from meat, cheese, fruit, and vegetables.

This isn’t really a post about anything, but my struggle every single day. I’m not a normal person loosing weight. I’m torn between being fat, getting fit, or relapsing into a sickness. When I listen to the voice inside my head I end up eating only  900 calories for my day. The little voice tells me that 900 calories is bad, that I can survive on less. I’m weak because I need food. That I’m less of a person because I ate that entire bowl of Chipotle. That my husband must think I’m a pig because of the way I eat. Isn’t that messed up? Yea it really is. I don’t know how to make that voice shut up. I only know how to cover those feelings with food. But now I’m trying to balance those out. I’m trying to figure out the balance of eating food and not starving my body.

Sigh. I’m glad no one reads this blog because if they did I would be really embarrassed of telling the truth.